Monday, September 27, 2010

It's been nearly a year since I updated. So much has happened that I can't begin to tell. I completed another semester at school. I have had a series of mental health issues. I have been hospitalized. I have gained a brother and sister. I have deferred a semester of school to get my life back on track. There is so much to say. I guess all I can really say is that when it rains, it pours, and when it pours my little newspaper umbrella gets really soggy. I have really gotten a dose of what it feels like for other people who maybe don't have it all together. I want to graduate with honors, but it just isn't to be. This last semester totally killed that dream. My grades weren't in the toilet, but they weren't what I wanted. At this rate I'll be lucky to graduate.

But I don't want to complain. There have been a lot of clouds these last few months, but I'm starting to see the silver lining. The person I thougt I was is a very different person than the one I'm seeing in the mirror lately. Most of my "suffering" has been brought on by my very own brand of Anderson stubborness and a good helping of simple pride. I have learned, though, that stubborness only gets you a sore head and an even sorer heart. The pride blocks out all the sunlight from Heaven that I've been avoiding like the plague, just because it isn't falling where I want it to.

These past few years have been a real lesson in patience, humility, gratitude, and the love that God has for each of His children. I'm not so sure I'm passing the test. I just got released from the hospital for reasons that will, for now, remain private. I was surrounded by people who were miserable, in all the meanings of the word. They had no hope for the future. They were stuck in the past. They felt they had nothing to live for, that nothing mattered anymore. I am ashamed to say that I felt much the same way when I entered the hospital. But I had a really good roommate who helped me to see that maybe my suffering and pain would be for the benefit of someone else down the road.

I have come to know some very simple things. These things are small and seemingly insignificant, but I know that if I focus on them, they will fill my vision with light and hope and peace. I know that God lives. I know He is intimately involved in each of His children's lives. I know that often He speaks to us through other people. I know that somehow, somewhere, sometime, all the things I'm getting to experience will be for my good and for that of others. I know I am His child. I am royalty. If I can humble myself, I have it made. There is no good thing that He will keep from me if I act in the manner befitting the daughter of the God of Abraham, Jacob and Isaac. He will clothe me with an inner beauty that befits my station. He will open all doors to me, if I put my trust in Him and do my best to honor Him.

There are too many things in my heart to express. There are things that tongure cannot express, like in the scriptures. I'm looking forward to some sunlight after this storm.